"I could ask the same of you." He looks Hermes up and down, before inviting himself into the apartment.
"I have called several times, and you have not deigned to answer. Why are you still in those?" He gestures to the pyjamas, after looking around the apartment. Idly, he notes that there are a few new items scattered around the place- but he's more focused on Hermes right now.
"I did not mean to ignore your calls, Hythlodaeus." Stepping aside he lets the other man into the apartment, looking somewhat bashful as his attire is pointed out.
"I've felt tired lately so I was resting." Depression napping actually. "I can change if you prefer."
He gives Hermes a shrewd glance, before ushering him into the bedroom.
"Yes, get dressed." He likes to think that he isn't stupid- this all seems to have started around the same time Emet-Selch and Hythlodaeus got their terrible reminders from home.
"And what, pray tell, is the object that you received?" Might as well just ask it... he doesn't ask unkindly, of course, but he is blunt and to the point. Of course, he also started feeling more normal around that time too- less like drinking himself blind- so maybe Hermes is simply embarrassed by his behaviour, too?
Shooed into his bedroom Hermes finds enough willpower to change, taking advantage of his magicks to switch his pajamas to a pair of simple black pants and a long sleeved black shirt with a scooped neckline. A wave of his hand is all that's needed and he's slightly more presentable, save the bedhead he's sporting.
The mention of the object had him blanching at first, but eventually, once dressed, he moves to his nightstand to pick up the brooch, staring at it a moment before offering it on his palm to Hythlodaeus to inspect.
Ah, Meteion. Hythlodaeus takes the brooch and stares at it dully. He finds it harder to forgive her for what happened, perhaps simply because she was no friend of his and is merely a creation besides.
But he knows that Hermes loved her. And a reminder of the creation he misses so sorely would surely eat at him. So even if Hythlodaeus can't say he has much fondness for her, he can hide that away for Hermes' sake.
"'Tis cruel of the city to remind you." He hands the brooch back, and pats Hermes on the shoulder. "Come, we can sit and discuss it more comfortably in the main room."
He doesn't expect Hythlodaeus to understand how much he feels for Meteion. He doesn't expect anyone to respect her and her life as much as he does. No one ever did. No one ever saw things the way he had...so why would here be any different? Feeling the weight of the brooch in his palm as Hythlodaeus pats his shoulder makes his stomach drop. Does he really want to discuss it?
Does he really have a choice?
Lips pressed tight together he nods, following him back into the sitting room, deflating when he does take a seat on the sofa. He can't describe how badly he misses Meteion and the thought of what would have befallen her during the Final Days...it horrifies him beyond measure.
Honestly, Hythlodaeus doesn't care about Meteion. She was an amusing and somewhat adorable creation at first, and he was happy to entertain her in Elpis, for Hermes' sake. He never really got why Hermes loved her so much, though. Loneliness, perhaps?
In any case, the fact is that Hermes is very upset and Hythlodaeus would be a terrible friend if he simply did nothing. So as they sit, he clasps his hands in his lap and looks to Hermes expectantly.
"Tell me how you feel, my friend. Is it simply that you miss her?"
Even now it's hard to express how he feels, especially to one of his own. No one's ever really understood him or how he saw the world and although Hythlodaeus is willing to listen he doesn't expect his perception to be any different from that of everyone else. Is it that he simply missed her? Oh no, it was far more than that.
"She was a part of me...I do not know how else to describe it. A constant companion and someone who always brought a smile to my face. To not have her with me is to feel as if a part of me is missing..."
He hangs his head, resting it against a palm as he props an elbow on one of his knees. He feels sick with worry, with regret and sorrow. He wants to tell Hythlodaeus to leave so he can crawl back under his covers...but he won't. He knows the man wouldn't leave him to his own devices even if he asked him to.
"I care for her deeply, far deeper than I can put into words."
To his credit... he tries to understand. He really does. He knows the pain of loss too well, and he knows how it claws at one's heart. It might even be worse for a sensitive soul like Hermes.
So even if he doesn't understand why a creation of all things has Hermes feeling this way, he can understand that it feels awful. He reaches out to rub Hermes' back, sighing.
"What makes her so special to you?" He's curious, wondering what he sees in her. "I... admit that I find it difficult to imagine feeling such a way about a creation, but you seemed very close when we visited you in Elpis. I had not considered bonding so closely with a creation before..."
"To me...I suppose she is more than just a creation. Perhaps it's blasphemous to say..." He is talking to the guy who approves or denies concepts, after all. "But to me she is no different than a person." There's a hollow laugh as he presses his palm harder against his forehead, resisting the urge to bite his lower lip. "Maybe in another life, if I had been fortunate enough to have a child, that child would have been her..."
But to make a real child required two to tango and Hermes knew well enough he'd have never found someone to be intimate with to that degree back in Elpis. It just wasn't in the cards, for numerous reasons, nor would he consider himself parent material.
"I poured my heart and soul into her and her sisters. Countless, sleepless nights were spent researching how to use dynamis instead of aether for conceptualization. My hopes for something more, the passion and curiosity I had...it all rested with her."
Pulling his hand away from his face he grips the brooch in its pair, letting his head rest back against the sofa. His gaze is dull as he stares up at the ceiling, unable to look at his friend.
"Perhaps most selfishly of all she had empathy. She always knew how I felt, which I will admit at times was to her detriment. Even so I never had to lie to her about how I felt - I couldn't. No one else cared but she did."
"Blasphemous? Not quite... merely confusing." But as he listens he tries to imagine himself putting that much time, effort and passion into something. Maybe if he had poured so much of himself into a concept, he would have felt the same way about it... but then again, perhaps not. Hythlodaeus simply didn't get attached to his creations, or anyone else's. He's seen so many of them in his line of work, analysed so many of them that it's second nature by now, and perhaps for that reason he can't see them as anything more than either 'benefits the star' or 'doesn't benefit the star.' In some cases they'll amuse him, other times they'll frustrate him, but never has he felt a connection with any of them.
"Your hard work and passion given form." To a lonely man like Hermes, to have something he worked so hard on finally come to fruition and keep him company besides... he supposes if he puts it that way, he can see the appeal. "I will not fault you for missing her. She meant a lot to you, I see." She was all Hermes had. That's... extremely sad.
She is all that he had, and her and her sisters had carried his hopes and dreams on their wings for him, flung out into the far reaches of space. He had been that desperate for an answer, to know what made peoples lives have purpose, that he felt it necessary to reach beyond his star for comfort. Even before he had created Meteion he had found more comfort being among his creations and those that were under his watch in Elpis. He had wept for them and they had brought him such joy - never did he feel a sense of contentment around his own people. Instead he always felt unease, a sense of imposter syndrome. No one else seemed to think or experience the world the way he did...maybe there was something wrong with him. He was flawed.
Caduceus slithers up the side of the sofa and around Hermes' arm, having sensed the man's distress. Silently he acknowledges the serpent, setting the brooch in his lap to stroke his snout.
"I'm an aberration of our people, Hythlodaeus. Perhaps I feel such an affinity to creations as I find myself relating to them far easier than I do my fellow man. I do not expect you to understand it...you were chosen for your role due to your impeccable impartiality toward judging concepts based on their merits for our star...but Metion had personal merit to me. She was the closest I ever had to a companion."
And, as far as he's concerned, the closest he'll ever have.
"I will not deny that you think differently from most of us, for good or for ill. You always were a strange one... but it makes no difference, I suppose. You are hurting, and even if I cannot understand the reasoning entirely I can at least be here for you."
He shifts closer, mindful of Caduceus as he pulls Hermes into a hug. He doesn't know that words will suffice but he will offer his company too.
"That is what friends are for, no?" Even if he perhaps can't take Meteion's place to Hermes, he's still a companion and a friend.
He may still be a companion and a friend but it's different. There's a certain comfort that comes with someone understanding how and why one feels the way they do. His empathy and compassion have always been detriments, not merits, at least among his people. It wasn't as if he hadn't overheard his colleagues question and comment on his moods back in Elpis. Everyone instinctively knew to avoid the Overseer when concepts had to be eradicated.
The embrace is something he leans into, Caduceus slithering around to settle in the hood of the sweater he's changed into. There he can be next to his master and not get in the way. Gingerly Hermes returns it, sliding his arms around Hythlodaeus to give him a squeeze. He just wishes someone could understand what he felt and why. He feels like a lost cause otherwise.
"They are, yes." Or he figures they are. He doesn't have much experience in the ways of friendship but he can assume friends are supposed to support one another at the very least.
"'Tis no use wishing you were different. Take heart and celebrate your differences, instead. You cannot change them, after all."
He gives Hermes a little squeeze in return, smiling for him. "Mayhap there will be times when your sensitive nature comes in useful. You are more inclined to understand the woes of the people around you. And as you likely have surmised, having someone to understand really does help."
He knows he's not helping as much as he would be if he were perhaps more empathetic himself. He's trying but he can't make himself suddenly understand Hermes' point of view.
"Differences are not something our people are used to celebrating, Hythlodaeus."
So how could he take heart in something that had isolated him for so long? That had caused him so much trouble in the past and even now? Hythlodaeus may be embracing him and smiling for him, but it's hard to take his words to heart, even if he knows the man isn't one to lie. He also knows it isn't exactly possible for him to suddenly understand things from Hermes' point of view...but he doesn't expect that of him. He doesn't expect anyone to truly understand how he feels.
"However I appreciate the sentiment you're conveying."
"We are not home, Hermes. These are not our people." And for Hythlodaeus... well, he finds the differences the people here have endearing. The city, not so much, but the diversity here is not without its charms. Ah, but Hythlodaeus doesn't tend to dwell on the negatives often. In a way, Hermes and Hythlodaeus are complete opposites. His rock- which feels heavy in his cardigan pocket still- is a rare exception.
"If you cannot find peace at home, try to find it here at least. I realise that without Meteion you feel lost and lonely... but you needn't feel that way. I may not understand, but I am still your friend, and I will offer whichever means of comfort I can." He'll happily lend an ear whenever Hermes needs it, even if he can't quite measure up to Meteion in Hermes' eyes.
Which would quite frankly be insulting if it were anyone but Hermes, but he's not saying a word about that.
Hermes would never dare compare the two. The love he has for his people and friends is different from how he feels toward Meteion and her sisters. The love he has for creation occupies a different place in his heart and vice versa. Hythlodaeus may be right, that they are not home and the people around them weren't theirs...but old habits and anxieties die hard.
There's a guilt then that settles in, as he deflates against the other man, forehead finding the crook of his neck. His skin is cool against his own. There's something relaxing about that.
"I am sorry, my friend. I cause you so much trouble. Emet-Selch as well. If only I knew how to feel less...things would be far easier. I appreciate all that you both do for me, but I am poor at showing it."
He moves a hand to stroke through Hermes' hair, sighing in turn. "It isn't trouble, it simply... I worry for you."
He knows Hermes is different, and he knows he can't make him any less different- no, he must accept him for the man he is. And he does, but... he's so lost on how to proceed with him sometimes.
"I am simply not well versed in assisting people with their feelings." It was never an issue back home, and as for himself- he's so good at pretending everything is fine, even now, that he can almost believe it most of the time.
As Hythlodaeus strokes his hair he can't help but lean into the touch, deflating against him. He really ought to pull himself together, to swallow the heartache he feels so he doesn't have to press his feelings upon his friend further.
"I do not wish to make you worry so."
He really doesn't - the last thing he wants is to stress others out over his own instability.
"For what it is worth your company does bring me joy."
"I am glad to hear it, truly... ah, would that my company could bring you peace of mind as well, however."
He's glad that he can bring Hermes some small measure of comfort but knowing he's hurting, he really does just want to make him forget his troubles... but there's no easy fix for that, and he can't wave his little feathered wand and make a solution appear out of thin air.
Unfortunately he can't seem to think of much that would bring him peace of mind at all. Even if Meteion were here with him...how terrible of a fate would that be for her? No, she could never be here with him. It would be unconscionable.
"Perhaps I can bring you some peace of mind, one less thing to worry about in regards to me?" He smiles weakly back at Hythlodaeus, forcing himself to get a hold on his emotions. "I signed a contract recently."
"His name is G'raha Tia. He's a quite interesting man...short and with feline features but I find them rather endearing." A change of topic is clearly what Hermes needed. He seems to relax, setting the brooch aside for now. I still don't exactly understand where he is from - a world with aether and similar to ours...and in some way I feel we are connected?"
There's a small shrug but he seems calmer now.
"He is curious much like myself and I have had nothing but nice conversations with him...so when I was feeling particularly bold I asked him to contract."
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"I have called several times, and you have not deigned to answer. Why are you still in those?" He gestures to the pyjamas, after looking around the apartment. Idly, he notes that there are a few new items scattered around the place- but he's more focused on Hermes right now.
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"I've felt tired lately so I was resting." Depression napping actually. "I can change if you prefer."
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"Yes, get dressed." He likes to think that he isn't stupid- this all seems to have started around the same time Emet-Selch and Hythlodaeus got their terrible reminders from home.
"And what, pray tell, is the object that you received?" Might as well just ask it... he doesn't ask unkindly, of course, but he is blunt and to the point. Of course, he also started feeling more normal around that time too- less like drinking himself blind- so maybe Hermes is simply embarrassed by his behaviour, too?
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The mention of the object had him blanching at first, but eventually, once dressed, he moves to his nightstand to pick up the brooch, staring at it a moment before offering it on his palm to Hythlodaeus to inspect.
"Meteion's brooch appeared."
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But he knows that Hermes loved her. And a reminder of the creation he misses so sorely would surely eat at him. So even if Hythlodaeus can't say he has much fondness for her, he can hide that away for Hermes' sake.
"'Tis cruel of the city to remind you." He hands the brooch back, and pats Hermes on the shoulder. "Come, we can sit and discuss it more comfortably in the main room."
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Does he really have a choice?
Lips pressed tight together he nods, following him back into the sitting room, deflating when he does take a seat on the sofa. He can't describe how badly he misses Meteion and the thought of what would have befallen her during the Final Days...it horrifies him beyond measure.
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In any case, the fact is that Hermes is very upset and Hythlodaeus would be a terrible friend if he simply did nothing. So as they sit, he clasps his hands in his lap and looks to Hermes expectantly.
"Tell me how you feel, my friend. Is it simply that you miss her?"
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"She was a part of me...I do not know how else to describe it. A constant companion and someone who always brought a smile to my face. To not have her with me is to feel as if a part of me is missing..."
He hangs his head, resting it against a palm as he props an elbow on one of his knees. He feels sick with worry, with regret and sorrow. He wants to tell Hythlodaeus to leave so he can crawl back under his covers...but he won't. He knows the man wouldn't leave him to his own devices even if he asked him to.
"I care for her deeply, far deeper than I can put into words."
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So even if he doesn't understand why a creation of all things has Hermes feeling this way, he can understand that it feels awful. He reaches out to rub Hermes' back, sighing.
"What makes her so special to you?" He's curious, wondering what he sees in her. "I... admit that I find it difficult to imagine feeling such a way about a creation, but you seemed very close when we visited you in Elpis. I had not considered bonding so closely with a creation before..."
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But to make a real child required two to tango and Hermes knew well enough he'd have never found someone to be intimate with to that degree back in Elpis. It just wasn't in the cards, for numerous reasons, nor would he consider himself parent material.
"I poured my heart and soul into her and her sisters. Countless, sleepless nights were spent researching how to use dynamis instead of aether for conceptualization. My hopes for something more, the passion and curiosity I had...it all rested with her."
Pulling his hand away from his face he grips the brooch in its pair, letting his head rest back against the sofa. His gaze is dull as he stares up at the ceiling, unable to look at his friend.
"Perhaps most selfishly of all she had empathy. She always knew how I felt, which I will admit at times was to her detriment. Even so I never had to lie to her about how I felt - I couldn't. No one else cared but she did."
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"Your hard work and passion given form." To a lonely man like Hermes, to have something he worked so hard on finally come to fruition and keep him company besides... he supposes if he puts it that way, he can see the appeal. "I will not fault you for missing her. She meant a lot to you, I see." She was all Hermes had. That's... extremely sad.
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Caduceus slithers up the side of the sofa and around Hermes' arm, having sensed the man's distress. Silently he acknowledges the serpent, setting the brooch in his lap to stroke his snout.
"I'm an aberration of our people, Hythlodaeus. Perhaps I feel such an affinity to creations as I find myself relating to them far easier than I do my fellow man. I do not expect you to understand it...you were chosen for your role due to your impeccable impartiality toward judging concepts based on their merits for our star...but Metion had personal merit to me. She was the closest I ever had to a companion."
And, as far as he's concerned, the closest he'll ever have.
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He shifts closer, mindful of Caduceus as he pulls Hermes into a hug. He doesn't know that words will suffice but he will offer his company too.
"That is what friends are for, no?" Even if he perhaps can't take Meteion's place to Hermes, he's still a companion and a friend.
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He may still be a companion and a friend but it's different. There's a certain comfort that comes with someone understanding how and why one feels the way they do. His empathy and compassion have always been detriments, not merits, at least among his people. It wasn't as if he hadn't overheard his colleagues question and comment on his moods back in Elpis. Everyone instinctively knew to avoid the Overseer when concepts had to be eradicated.
The embrace is something he leans into, Caduceus slithering around to settle in the hood of the sweater he's changed into. There he can be next to his master and not get in the way. Gingerly Hermes returns it, sliding his arms around Hythlodaeus to give him a squeeze. He just wishes someone could understand what he felt and why. He feels like a lost cause otherwise.
"They are, yes." Or he figures they are. He doesn't have much experience in the ways of friendship but he can assume friends are supposed to support one another at the very least.
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He gives Hermes a little squeeze in return, smiling for him. "Mayhap there will be times when your sensitive nature comes in useful. You are more inclined to understand the woes of the people around you. And as you likely have surmised, having someone to understand really does help."
He knows he's not helping as much as he would be if he were perhaps more empathetic himself. He's trying but he can't make himself suddenly understand Hermes' point of view.
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So how could he take heart in something that had isolated him for so long? That had caused him so much trouble in the past and even now? Hythlodaeus may be embracing him and smiling for him, but it's hard to take his words to heart, even if he knows the man isn't one to lie. He also knows it isn't exactly possible for him to suddenly understand things from Hermes' point of view...but he doesn't expect that of him. He doesn't expect anyone to truly understand how he feels.
"However I appreciate the sentiment you're conveying."
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"If you cannot find peace at home, try to find it here at least. I realise that without Meteion you feel lost and lonely... but you needn't feel that way. I may not understand, but I am still your friend, and I will offer whichever means of comfort I can." He'll happily lend an ear whenever Hermes needs it, even if he can't quite measure up to Meteion in Hermes' eyes.
Which would quite frankly be insulting if it were anyone but Hermes, but he's not saying a word about that.
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There's a guilt then that settles in, as he deflates against the other man, forehead finding the crook of his neck. His skin is cool against his own. There's something relaxing about that.
"I am sorry, my friend. I cause you so much trouble. Emet-Selch as well. If only I knew how to feel less...things would be far easier. I appreciate all that you both do for me, but I am poor at showing it."
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He knows Hermes is different, and he knows he can't make him any less different- no, he must accept him for the man he is. And he does, but... he's so lost on how to proceed with him sometimes.
"I am simply not well versed in assisting people with their feelings." It was never an issue back home, and as for himself- he's so good at pretending everything is fine, even now, that he can almost believe it most of the time.
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"I do not wish to make you worry so."
He really doesn't - the last thing he wants is to stress others out over his own instability.
"For what it is worth your company does bring me joy."
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He's glad that he can bring Hermes some small measure of comfort but knowing he's hurting, he really does just want to make him forget his troubles... but there's no easy fix for that, and he can't wave his little feathered wand and make a solution appear out of thin air.
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"Perhaps I can bring you some peace of mind, one less thing to worry about in regards to me?" He smiles weakly back at Hythlodaeus, forcing himself to get a hold on his emotions. "I signed a contract recently."
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"Who are they?" Someone nice, he hopes. Someone who won't take advantage of Hermes. If they did, he might have to have words with them...
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There's a small shrug but he seems calmer now.
"He is curious much like myself and I have had nothing but nice conversations with him...so when I was feeling particularly bold I asked him to contract."
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Shrugging, he smiles. "I had recommended you to him, and I am glad that you are contracted." It means he won't have to introduce them, after all.
"Does Emet-Selch know?" He can't imagine Emet-Selch will be too pleased... G'raha was on the opposite side of the Ascians, after all.
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